Angel Stories
Angel Mom's Name: RaeBeth
Angel's Name: Dakota Emily
Angel's Birthday: May 27, 2013
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
My Story
I was 40 weeks and 5 days when I found out our daughter Dakota didn't have a heartbeat. There were no signs that the problems had arrived. I went into labor naturally. When I was hooked up to the fetal machine in labor and delivery, the doctor's didn't find our precious daughters heartbeat. This came as a shock and I was instantly crushed. I prayed that God would give her back or take my life instead of taking hers. My husband and I agreed for the hospital to do blood tests and an autopsy. The results came back inconclusive, meaning there wasn't a given reason why our daughter had passed. Instantly, God became a permanent fixture within my life. I begin finding ways to help me cope. I wrote a book about our journey and healing. I manage several blogs and websites, including this site. My goal is to reach out to show other grieving parents they are not alone. Therefore, I dedicate this website to each and every angel who was taken too soon.
Angel's Name: Dakota Emily
Angel's Birthday: May 27, 2013
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
My Story
I was 40 weeks and 5 days when I found out our daughter Dakota didn't have a heartbeat. There were no signs that the problems had arrived. I went into labor naturally. When I was hooked up to the fetal machine in labor and delivery, the doctor's didn't find our precious daughters heartbeat. This came as a shock and I was instantly crushed. I prayed that God would give her back or take my life instead of taking hers. My husband and I agreed for the hospital to do blood tests and an autopsy. The results came back inconclusive, meaning there wasn't a given reason why our daughter had passed. Instantly, God became a permanent fixture within my life. I begin finding ways to help me cope. I wrote a book about our journey and healing. I manage several blogs and websites, including this site. My goal is to reach out to show other grieving parents they are not alone. Therefore, I dedicate this website to each and every angel who was taken too soon.
Angel Mom's Name: Amanda
Angel's Name: Cougar Lee
Angel's Birthday: February 1, 2001
Location: Tennessee, USA
My Story
January 31, 2001... The day my life came to a screeching halt. I was 26/27 weeks along in my pregnancy and had a routine check-up that day. I didn't drive at the time (I was only 17), so my grandmother dropped me off while she ran some errands. I was excited to hear my son's heart beat again. I was called back to the exam room. After the basic questions and measuring my baby bump, they started looking for the heartbeat. They could not find the heartbeat. I started to panic and cry that something terrible has happened. The Dr. said that he may just be hiding and the heart beat may be too far off to be picked up on the machine. So I calmed down a little bit, but they want me to go and get an ultra sound just to be on the safe side. One of the nurses had to take me, because at that time cell phones weren't as common as they are today, and my grandmother didn't have one. So, I arrived at the hospital to get my "just to be safe" ultrasound and I was told there was any movement and there wasn't a heart beat. I had to be admitted to the hospital and labor induced. They send me to a small empty waiting room where and I started to ball my eyes out. I have never felt so alone. My grandmother came in and said that she went to my Dr.'s office and they told her what was going on. She rushed to the hospital. While I was waiting to be admitted, my grandmother made the calls to all my family members to let them know what was going on and to come to the hospital right away. My head was spinning, I couldn't stop crying, and all I heard was my grandmother telling me "Everything happens for a reason" and "Everything will be okay". Once I was admitted my family felt it right to have control over every aspect of what was going on. They said to keep the door shut that the sounds of the other babies would upset me, I wanted the door open. They did not want me or anyone else to call my son's father to come and be with me.
February 1, 2001 @ 3:00pm I gave birth to my son with my grandmother in the room (whom insisted it be her in there and not my Mother) as my labor coach. He weighed 2 lbs 1 oz. My family insisted that I not hold him. And if I hadn't told my sister what I wanted to name my son, before all this happened, my family probably would have named him as well. The reason I say this is because, when the nurse came in to ask me what I wanted to name my son, I was still really loopy from the drugs. When I said what his name was, they did not understand me, so my sister interjected and spoke for me. I remember pointing at her and shaking my head in agreement. After she said his name, you could have heard a pin drop in the room... then the “are you sure that is what you want to name him” questions started from my family. I insisted that is what I wanted my son to be named. Then the nurse asked everyone to leave the room so the Dr. could do an after birth exam and then she quietly asked me if I would like pictures of my son. I told her yes I would and she left. Everyone flooded my room once again once the all clear was given. I wanted to be left alone but they insisted that I shouldn't be. My heart was broken and all I wanted to do was have my son in my arms and my family wouldn't even let me hold him. The staff had brought in a man from a funeral home and told me that this funeral home does stillbirth burials for free and if that would be something I was interested in. I am 18 with no job and true family support so I tell them yes. So I sign papers for this man to remove my son from the hospital and to bury him........
A day later I was released from the hospital and went home. I slept for 3 days straight only getting up to use the bathroom and get something to drink. I was a mess, I couldn't stop crying I had to go back to school where my teachers were all told what had happened and they were all there for me and told me if I needed to leave the room for a break just to let them know. I found it hard to believe that my teachers were more supportive then my own family.
Present day... almost 13 years later I still miss my son very much. But I know he is watching over me, and his family.
Love you and miss you my son Cougar Lee
Angel's Name: Cougar Lee
Angel's Birthday: February 1, 2001
Location: Tennessee, USA
My Story
January 31, 2001... The day my life came to a screeching halt. I was 26/27 weeks along in my pregnancy and had a routine check-up that day. I didn't drive at the time (I was only 17), so my grandmother dropped me off while she ran some errands. I was excited to hear my son's heart beat again. I was called back to the exam room. After the basic questions and measuring my baby bump, they started looking for the heartbeat. They could not find the heartbeat. I started to panic and cry that something terrible has happened. The Dr. said that he may just be hiding and the heart beat may be too far off to be picked up on the machine. So I calmed down a little bit, but they want me to go and get an ultra sound just to be on the safe side. One of the nurses had to take me, because at that time cell phones weren't as common as they are today, and my grandmother didn't have one. So, I arrived at the hospital to get my "just to be safe" ultrasound and I was told there was any movement and there wasn't a heart beat. I had to be admitted to the hospital and labor induced. They send me to a small empty waiting room where and I started to ball my eyes out. I have never felt so alone. My grandmother came in and said that she went to my Dr.'s office and they told her what was going on. She rushed to the hospital. While I was waiting to be admitted, my grandmother made the calls to all my family members to let them know what was going on and to come to the hospital right away. My head was spinning, I couldn't stop crying, and all I heard was my grandmother telling me "Everything happens for a reason" and "Everything will be okay". Once I was admitted my family felt it right to have control over every aspect of what was going on. They said to keep the door shut that the sounds of the other babies would upset me, I wanted the door open. They did not want me or anyone else to call my son's father to come and be with me.
February 1, 2001 @ 3:00pm I gave birth to my son with my grandmother in the room (whom insisted it be her in there and not my Mother) as my labor coach. He weighed 2 lbs 1 oz. My family insisted that I not hold him. And if I hadn't told my sister what I wanted to name my son, before all this happened, my family probably would have named him as well. The reason I say this is because, when the nurse came in to ask me what I wanted to name my son, I was still really loopy from the drugs. When I said what his name was, they did not understand me, so my sister interjected and spoke for me. I remember pointing at her and shaking my head in agreement. After she said his name, you could have heard a pin drop in the room... then the “are you sure that is what you want to name him” questions started from my family. I insisted that is what I wanted my son to be named. Then the nurse asked everyone to leave the room so the Dr. could do an after birth exam and then she quietly asked me if I would like pictures of my son. I told her yes I would and she left. Everyone flooded my room once again once the all clear was given. I wanted to be left alone but they insisted that I shouldn't be. My heart was broken and all I wanted to do was have my son in my arms and my family wouldn't even let me hold him. The staff had brought in a man from a funeral home and told me that this funeral home does stillbirth burials for free and if that would be something I was interested in. I am 18 with no job and true family support so I tell them yes. So I sign papers for this man to remove my son from the hospital and to bury him........
A day later I was released from the hospital and went home. I slept for 3 days straight only getting up to use the bathroom and get something to drink. I was a mess, I couldn't stop crying I had to go back to school where my teachers were all told what had happened and they were all there for me and told me if I needed to leave the room for a break just to let them know. I found it hard to believe that my teachers were more supportive then my own family.
Present day... almost 13 years later I still miss my son very much. But I know he is watching over me, and his family.
Love you and miss you my son Cougar Lee
Angel Mom's Name: Juli
Angel's Name: Emmanuel Jaden
Angel's Birthday: March 13, 2007
Day Angel Gained Wings: May 30, 2007
Location: Florida, USA
My Story
On March 13, 2007 I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy named Emmanuel Jaden, EJ for short. He was perfect; 8 pounds 2 ounces, a full head of hair and large blue eyes - I was in love with him instantly. My world changed forever when he was born. I became a mommy.
Only a couple short months later, my life was changed once again. I was irrevocably broken and destroyed when on May 30th I went into his room to wake him up, only to find he'd passed away. That day, and the ones that followed, are a nightmare to me, with details and faces nothing but a blur. The memories that stuck of that day are the devastating emotions I felt, and the imperfect images of my perfect boy.
My son passed away of SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. He was 2 months and 17 days old. When they say sudden, they mean it. One day he was smiling and perfect, the next he was gone.
I miss him everyday. Losing him has gotten easier to deal with, my mind allowing me function, but the pain never goes away. I will always miss him..and when I look into the eyes of my two younger children, I always feel like EJ sent them to me...to repair the mommy he couldn't keep.
Angel's Name: Emmanuel Jaden
Angel's Birthday: March 13, 2007
Day Angel Gained Wings: May 30, 2007
Location: Florida, USA
My Story
On March 13, 2007 I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy named Emmanuel Jaden, EJ for short. He was perfect; 8 pounds 2 ounces, a full head of hair and large blue eyes - I was in love with him instantly. My world changed forever when he was born. I became a mommy.
Only a couple short months later, my life was changed once again. I was irrevocably broken and destroyed when on May 30th I went into his room to wake him up, only to find he'd passed away. That day, and the ones that followed, are a nightmare to me, with details and faces nothing but a blur. The memories that stuck of that day are the devastating emotions I felt, and the imperfect images of my perfect boy.
My son passed away of SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. He was 2 months and 17 days old. When they say sudden, they mean it. One day he was smiling and perfect, the next he was gone.
I miss him everyday. Losing him has gotten easier to deal with, my mind allowing me function, but the pain never goes away. I will always miss him..and when I look into the eyes of my two younger children, I always feel like EJ sent them to me...to repair the mommy he couldn't keep.
Angel Mom's Name: Lacy
Angel's Name: Arik
Angel's Birthday: July 29, 2010
Location: Evansville,IN
My Story
Stephen and I got married on New Year's Eve 2009. We decided to play the cards dealt and I had my IUD removed on January 22, 2010. I wanted to track my Ovulation so I bought some tests. I never ovulated that month. However on February 17th (the anniversary of my Grandpa's death) I decided to take a pregnancy test. Within seconds there were 2 pink lines. I was thrilled. I yelled at Stephen to come here, and shaking I handed him the test. He was slightly confused until I told him those words "We're Pregnant!!!". I immediately called a doctors office and made an appointment for the next day to confirm results. The next day things went into a tailspin.
Sure enough I was pregnant. My heart rate was so low the Dr. freaked out and ordered an EKG, ECHO, and a 24hr Holder Monitor. He then scheduled an appointment with a cardiologist. (I have never had heart problems that I know about, but my pulse has ALWAYS been in the 40-60 range {Bradychardia}). Of course all the tests came back fine but I was still referred to a Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. (MFM) just to be safe.
The first several appointments with the MFM were normal. He saw a bouncing baby who was always doing something wild. At one appointment the baby was bouncing back and forth and flipping. At another appointment the baby gave us a thumbs down. Finally June 3rd was here. We would find out what we were having. The tech placed the wand on my belly and it was clearly a BOY. We were thrilled. We had decided that if the baby was a boy we would name him after Stephen's friend who died in Iraq (Eric is his name) and after Stephen and his Dad (Thomas is their middle names). Our joy was short lived. At the next appointment the Dr. told us that little Arik wasn't growing right and had extreme IUGR (Intra-Uterine Growth Restriction). He told us he'd see us every 2 weeks and we'd go from there.
Every 2 weeks we (Stephen, Ninita {my best friend and second Mom} and myself) would go to the office for another ultrasound. The Dr. warned us that things weren't looking good. He told us that if we could get Arik to 500 grams I would be put in the hospital and wait for the first signs of distress then crash c-section me, but he also told us that when we would come back in 2 weeks there may not be a heartbeat. So every 2 weeks we would hold out breath and pray that there would be a heart beat and growth. . We did an amniocentesis at 21 weeks to see if he had any health issues that would cause growth problems, and it came back perfectly fine. At 24 weeks I started to get desperate. I prayed that we could get to 500 grams. I was on total bed rest and drinking 4-5 Boost a day to increase nutrients. All we knew at this point was that the placenta was failing and unless he made it to 500 grams he wouldn't survive.
On July 26 I celebrated my Golden birthday. I turned 26 on the 26th and was 26wks pregnant. Little did I know my life was about to change. On July 29th we woke up early to take Rayn to my Mom's. We stopped and got the mail and headed to the Dr. I was going through the mail and Stephen had a form to fill out for his VA benefits. One question was "How Much Did You Pay For Your Child's Funeral This Year"....I was shocked and told him "I pray we don't have to fill this out". Little did I know it would become my reality. At 10:30am I hopped on the table and rolled up my shirt. The tech placed the wand on my belly and I see no flashing.
I watch as the tech moves the wand to Arik's head and slowly back down. I see the tears in Ninita's eyes and I know I'm not imagining things. Stephen looks just as confused as always. I calmly tell the nurse "He's Gone"....She turns off the monitor and tells us she's getting the Dr. A few seconds later the Dr. walks in....he says nothing. He simply places his hand on my leg, sighs, then walks away with tears in his eyes. Ninita's boss is calling her, she's crying as she answers, her boss knows she's with me and knows that the news is bad, Ninita says "we lost him". I grab the phone and dial my Mom. I tell her she needs to keep Rayn and that Stephen will be by with things for her. She asks if I'm being put in the hospital. I tell her simply "He's Gone Mom, Arik is Gone", she asks what I mean, how much clearer can I be "Mom, Arik is dead, we'll be delivering tonight". I hang up and Stephen kisses my belly one last time. I hand him the phone and tell him to call his Dad....he doesn't want to but I make him. He tells his Dad that Arik is gone. His Dad promises to be up after work. Stephen's Mom calls a few seconds later, I take the phone and answer. "Arik is gone Lana" she asks if I'm OK. I tell her we'll deliver tonight and she says she'll be there soon.
The Dr. walks in again. He looks empty and frustrated. We tried everything, but it didn't matter. He told me he called my Family Dr and she'd be there to deliver me and he was going to start labor. He asked if we needed anything else. I shake my head. I'm numb by this point. He tells me the Family Dr has never had a stillbirth. I feel sick, I don't want to be the first. I wonder what is going to happen. Can my Dr handle the reality of life, that not EVERY baby comes home? Why me? Why now? Why us?
They take me downstairs in the back staircase to triage. I put the gown on and lay down. I haven't cried yet. They tell me I need another ultrasound. I realized he was breech when I saw he had no heart beat. I follow her next door to the ultrasound room. I ask that she turn the monitor off and the computer away from me. She does but she seems rude about it. She tells me he is breech, I already know. I ask if he's measuring under 500 grams, I pray he is, that way we didn't lose him in vain. She nods and says he looks to be barely a pound. Probably close to 450grams. I breathe easy. I know we did our best.
At 11:45am my Family Dr. shows up. She's been crying. She looks scared. She apologizes to me about Arik. She tells me "You Can Have ANYTHING", I know she means drugs. She tells me I'll take 2 pills now and 2 in a couple hours and by then I should be in full labor. She asks if I want an epidural before the pills. I tell her I want to feel something right now. She apologizes and says she'll be back after office hours. She leaves and I feel dead.
There is a knock on the door. It's the nurse. She hands me a cup of water and some pills to start labor. I take them and ask for something to calm my nerves, preferably a couple Xanax. She smiles and walks out. Another knock on the door. Its the bereavement ladies. They heard we lost Arik. They were so kind to me. One lady told me she was going to throw a temper tantrum to God that night. She asked if it was OK that she throws the temper tantrum. I wish I could throw one, but I'm dead. The nurse comes in and hands me the Xanax. I take them and close my eyes. Stephen went to get lunch for him and Ninita, it would be a long night. Rayn wanted her blanket, he took her some clothes and then came back.
Lana left work when she found out Arik was gone. She went to see if she could find an outfit for Arik, nothing small enough to fit a baby weighing a pound or less. She came to the hospital. I was sleeping. I was dead to the world. I wasn't dreaming, I was numb. I was so hurt that this happened. World War 3 could have broken out and I wouldn't have known.
Every 2 hours the nurse wakes me up to take pills. I take them not caring what they are. I sleep. I get woken up telling me I need my epidural, just in case. "I want to keep him intact" is what my Dr says. I feel sick, is he going to fall apart? Do babies disintegrate when they die in the womb? I ask the man doing the epidural his name. "Dr. Riddle"....I start to feel sick again. I tell him to look at my chart. He laughs that we have the same last name. The epidural hurts bad. I feel grinding. I'm still half asleep. I go out cold again. I wake up a short time later and "Wheel Of Fortune" is on. The answer is "Teaspoons and Tablespoons" and the bonus is "Indianapolis Colts". I see John (Stephen's Dad) sleeping in the chair by the door. I'm in a different room then I started in, but I don't remember or care. I notice the room is very small.
I get woken up by the nurse. She tells me she's going to cath me. I nod. I'm sleepy. I hear "I see his butt". "That's nice, we all have butts" and I fall asleep. The Dr is in the room fast. They pull me up in the bed. I feel nothing, I'm sleeping. I think I'm dead. I hear those words "Isn't he beautiful, don't you see him". I see nothing. I am nothing. I feel someone hug me. I think it's Stephen. It could be Ninita. I ask how big he is and what time he was born. 11:56pm, 1pound 0.1ounce, 10.5inches long.
The Dr. brings him in. I'm not with it. Lana is back, she took John home and missed the delivery by mere minutes. She starts taking pictures of us and him. I don't remember anything. I was awake in the pictures but have no memory of any of it. I was drugged. Around 2:30am everyone is gone. Stephen pulls the chair up next to the bed and watches me sleep, though I'm not sure if I'm sleeping. I think I'm dead.
The next morning Stephen calls my church. The Pastor offers to come and bless Arik. I tell him I would love him to bless my baby boy. The Pastor shows up and blesses him. He's surprised to see how small Arik is. I was 26wks 6days pregnant. Arik was the size of a baby born at 20 weeks. The nurse comes in with more pills. I take them without caring what they are. She hands me the discharge papers along with 3 prescriptions. One for Xanax, one for Prozac, and one for Lortabs. I'm in no pain. I'm numb and dead and I don't care. They get me a wheelchair. I'm handed so many packets of grief material. The nurse hesitates. She apologizes but my room is right outside the nursery. She makes sure no babies are in the hall. She wheels me to the entrance and I step into the sun.
I'm leaving without my baby boy. I'm leaving a totally different woman. I'm leaving dead. I'm broken. I have to face the reality. I'm not the same person I was 2 days prior. I am now and forever a Grieving Mother.
Angel's Name: Arik
Angel's Birthday: July 29, 2010
Location: Evansville,IN
My Story
Stephen and I got married on New Year's Eve 2009. We decided to play the cards dealt and I had my IUD removed on January 22, 2010. I wanted to track my Ovulation so I bought some tests. I never ovulated that month. However on February 17th (the anniversary of my Grandpa's death) I decided to take a pregnancy test. Within seconds there were 2 pink lines. I was thrilled. I yelled at Stephen to come here, and shaking I handed him the test. He was slightly confused until I told him those words "We're Pregnant!!!". I immediately called a doctors office and made an appointment for the next day to confirm results. The next day things went into a tailspin.
Sure enough I was pregnant. My heart rate was so low the Dr. freaked out and ordered an EKG, ECHO, and a 24hr Holder Monitor. He then scheduled an appointment with a cardiologist. (I have never had heart problems that I know about, but my pulse has ALWAYS been in the 40-60 range {Bradychardia}). Of course all the tests came back fine but I was still referred to a Maternal Fetal Medicine Dr. (MFM) just to be safe.
The first several appointments with the MFM were normal. He saw a bouncing baby who was always doing something wild. At one appointment the baby was bouncing back and forth and flipping. At another appointment the baby gave us a thumbs down. Finally June 3rd was here. We would find out what we were having. The tech placed the wand on my belly and it was clearly a BOY. We were thrilled. We had decided that if the baby was a boy we would name him after Stephen's friend who died in Iraq (Eric is his name) and after Stephen and his Dad (Thomas is their middle names). Our joy was short lived. At the next appointment the Dr. told us that little Arik wasn't growing right and had extreme IUGR (Intra-Uterine Growth Restriction). He told us he'd see us every 2 weeks and we'd go from there.
Every 2 weeks we (Stephen, Ninita {my best friend and second Mom} and myself) would go to the office for another ultrasound. The Dr. warned us that things weren't looking good. He told us that if we could get Arik to 500 grams I would be put in the hospital and wait for the first signs of distress then crash c-section me, but he also told us that when we would come back in 2 weeks there may not be a heartbeat. So every 2 weeks we would hold out breath and pray that there would be a heart beat and growth. . We did an amniocentesis at 21 weeks to see if he had any health issues that would cause growth problems, and it came back perfectly fine. At 24 weeks I started to get desperate. I prayed that we could get to 500 grams. I was on total bed rest and drinking 4-5 Boost a day to increase nutrients. All we knew at this point was that the placenta was failing and unless he made it to 500 grams he wouldn't survive.
On July 26 I celebrated my Golden birthday. I turned 26 on the 26th and was 26wks pregnant. Little did I know my life was about to change. On July 29th we woke up early to take Rayn to my Mom's. We stopped and got the mail and headed to the Dr. I was going through the mail and Stephen had a form to fill out for his VA benefits. One question was "How Much Did You Pay For Your Child's Funeral This Year"....I was shocked and told him "I pray we don't have to fill this out". Little did I know it would become my reality. At 10:30am I hopped on the table and rolled up my shirt. The tech placed the wand on my belly and I see no flashing.
I watch as the tech moves the wand to Arik's head and slowly back down. I see the tears in Ninita's eyes and I know I'm not imagining things. Stephen looks just as confused as always. I calmly tell the nurse "He's Gone"....She turns off the monitor and tells us she's getting the Dr. A few seconds later the Dr. walks in....he says nothing. He simply places his hand on my leg, sighs, then walks away with tears in his eyes. Ninita's boss is calling her, she's crying as she answers, her boss knows she's with me and knows that the news is bad, Ninita says "we lost him". I grab the phone and dial my Mom. I tell her she needs to keep Rayn and that Stephen will be by with things for her. She asks if I'm being put in the hospital. I tell her simply "He's Gone Mom, Arik is Gone", she asks what I mean, how much clearer can I be "Mom, Arik is dead, we'll be delivering tonight". I hang up and Stephen kisses my belly one last time. I hand him the phone and tell him to call his Dad....he doesn't want to but I make him. He tells his Dad that Arik is gone. His Dad promises to be up after work. Stephen's Mom calls a few seconds later, I take the phone and answer. "Arik is gone Lana" she asks if I'm OK. I tell her we'll deliver tonight and she says she'll be there soon.
The Dr. walks in again. He looks empty and frustrated. We tried everything, but it didn't matter. He told me he called my Family Dr and she'd be there to deliver me and he was going to start labor. He asked if we needed anything else. I shake my head. I'm numb by this point. He tells me the Family Dr has never had a stillbirth. I feel sick, I don't want to be the first. I wonder what is going to happen. Can my Dr handle the reality of life, that not EVERY baby comes home? Why me? Why now? Why us?
They take me downstairs in the back staircase to triage. I put the gown on and lay down. I haven't cried yet. They tell me I need another ultrasound. I realized he was breech when I saw he had no heart beat. I follow her next door to the ultrasound room. I ask that she turn the monitor off and the computer away from me. She does but she seems rude about it. She tells me he is breech, I already know. I ask if he's measuring under 500 grams, I pray he is, that way we didn't lose him in vain. She nods and says he looks to be barely a pound. Probably close to 450grams. I breathe easy. I know we did our best.
At 11:45am my Family Dr. shows up. She's been crying. She looks scared. She apologizes to me about Arik. She tells me "You Can Have ANYTHING", I know she means drugs. She tells me I'll take 2 pills now and 2 in a couple hours and by then I should be in full labor. She asks if I want an epidural before the pills. I tell her I want to feel something right now. She apologizes and says she'll be back after office hours. She leaves and I feel dead.
There is a knock on the door. It's the nurse. She hands me a cup of water and some pills to start labor. I take them and ask for something to calm my nerves, preferably a couple Xanax. She smiles and walks out. Another knock on the door. Its the bereavement ladies. They heard we lost Arik. They were so kind to me. One lady told me she was going to throw a temper tantrum to God that night. She asked if it was OK that she throws the temper tantrum. I wish I could throw one, but I'm dead. The nurse comes in and hands me the Xanax. I take them and close my eyes. Stephen went to get lunch for him and Ninita, it would be a long night. Rayn wanted her blanket, he took her some clothes and then came back.
Lana left work when she found out Arik was gone. She went to see if she could find an outfit for Arik, nothing small enough to fit a baby weighing a pound or less. She came to the hospital. I was sleeping. I was dead to the world. I wasn't dreaming, I was numb. I was so hurt that this happened. World War 3 could have broken out and I wouldn't have known.
Every 2 hours the nurse wakes me up to take pills. I take them not caring what they are. I sleep. I get woken up telling me I need my epidural, just in case. "I want to keep him intact" is what my Dr says. I feel sick, is he going to fall apart? Do babies disintegrate when they die in the womb? I ask the man doing the epidural his name. "Dr. Riddle"....I start to feel sick again. I tell him to look at my chart. He laughs that we have the same last name. The epidural hurts bad. I feel grinding. I'm still half asleep. I go out cold again. I wake up a short time later and "Wheel Of Fortune" is on. The answer is "Teaspoons and Tablespoons" and the bonus is "Indianapolis Colts". I see John (Stephen's Dad) sleeping in the chair by the door. I'm in a different room then I started in, but I don't remember or care. I notice the room is very small.
I get woken up by the nurse. She tells me she's going to cath me. I nod. I'm sleepy. I hear "I see his butt". "That's nice, we all have butts" and I fall asleep. The Dr is in the room fast. They pull me up in the bed. I feel nothing, I'm sleeping. I think I'm dead. I hear those words "Isn't he beautiful, don't you see him". I see nothing. I am nothing. I feel someone hug me. I think it's Stephen. It could be Ninita. I ask how big he is and what time he was born. 11:56pm, 1pound 0.1ounce, 10.5inches long.
The Dr. brings him in. I'm not with it. Lana is back, she took John home and missed the delivery by mere minutes. She starts taking pictures of us and him. I don't remember anything. I was awake in the pictures but have no memory of any of it. I was drugged. Around 2:30am everyone is gone. Stephen pulls the chair up next to the bed and watches me sleep, though I'm not sure if I'm sleeping. I think I'm dead.
The next morning Stephen calls my church. The Pastor offers to come and bless Arik. I tell him I would love him to bless my baby boy. The Pastor shows up and blesses him. He's surprised to see how small Arik is. I was 26wks 6days pregnant. Arik was the size of a baby born at 20 weeks. The nurse comes in with more pills. I take them without caring what they are. She hands me the discharge papers along with 3 prescriptions. One for Xanax, one for Prozac, and one for Lortabs. I'm in no pain. I'm numb and dead and I don't care. They get me a wheelchair. I'm handed so many packets of grief material. The nurse hesitates. She apologizes but my room is right outside the nursery. She makes sure no babies are in the hall. She wheels me to the entrance and I step into the sun.
I'm leaving without my baby boy. I'm leaving a totally different woman. I'm leaving dead. I'm broken. I have to face the reality. I'm not the same person I was 2 days prior. I am now and forever a Grieving Mother.
Angel Dad's Name: Eric Workman
Angel's Name: Homer William
Angel's Birthday: May 28, 2008
Angel Gain His Wings: September 22, 2008
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
My Story
My son's story starts on May 28, 2008. He was born at 4:37am and he was full term. He was beautiful green eyed baby boy who weighed 7 pounds 1 once. I took my son to his doctor appointments like a normal loving father would and the doctors always told me he was fine. He was moving his arms and legs like a normal baby his age.
The morning of September 22, 2008 changed my life forever. I was woken up around 11:00am and was told something was wrong with my son by my now ex wife. I went into his room and found him laying on his back with no life in his eyes and his skin was pale. I called 911 and started CPR on him. (I've been in the fire service for 16 years and have done CPR many times). As I gave him the first breath I saw his chest rise so I knew the air went in. I continued CPR until the ambulance got there and then the quickly took him out and continued where I left off.
Now from this day, the story takes a turn that not only turned my world upside down but it tore through my entire family. After I went to the hospital to see if my son made it, I found out that he didn't. So, after holding my son for the final time, I went home. I found the police and child services at my house. My oldest son (who was 15 months at the time) needed a different pair of pants so I went and got them. I come downstairs to find out my oldest son was being placed with my parents for grieving as I was told. So, in one morning, my baby passes away and my other son is taken out of my house too.
Not having either of my kids at home was ripping me apart to the point that I didn't want to be in my home. After a month went by my oldest son was finally returned to me. Finally something that felt normal was returning in my life. My son was only home for about 2 weeks when I get a call from child services saying they needed to talk to me. They came to my house along with the city police and said they found fractures on the x ray of my sons ribs and head. This absolutely blew my mind because I couldn't think of a way he could have got them.
My oldest son was taken back out of my house and placed into foster care. I also found out that my now ex wife was pregnant with my third child. Now with my oldest son in foster care, it took almost 2 months before I was allowed to see him. Finally it was set up and I did get to see him. I was on a schedule that I only got 90 minutes every two weeks to see him and it was only for one day. After 8 months of investigations and heart break, I found out, my now ex wife, confessed to causing the fractures that took my sons life. She confessed to hitting him numerous times in the head with a crib railing because he was crying. June 3, 2009 was the day she finally confessed. Now you would think since the killer confessed I would get my son back. No, not the case.
I was told I had to do trauma therapy because I was too angry that my son was murdered by my ex wife. Of course I was angry. I missed out on so many milestones with my kids because of her and everyone never believed me when I said it wasn't me. I lost time with my kids, friends, a job, and so many tears. My third son was born June 13, 2009 and I got a total of one half hour with him in the hospital and then I was made to leave. All together, I lost a year and a half of my oldest sons life and I lost the first nine months of my third sons life because of her.
The devastation I went through is unmatched to anything I ever went through in my life. I now have both my sons home and I now have a daughter with my current fiancee. I'm not going to lie, it's still very hard to look at pictures and not cry. I still cry to this day and the pain is still there. I still have a hard time talking about the entire story without stopping multiple times because I can't fight back the tears. Over time it has got a little bit easier to talk about but the pain, the scar, and the memories will last forever. If I learned anything it was never take your kids for granted, kiss them nightly, and make sure they no you love them. They could be gone in the blink of an eye.
Angel's Name: Homer William
Angel's Birthday: May 28, 2008
Angel Gain His Wings: September 22, 2008
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
My Story
My son's story starts on May 28, 2008. He was born at 4:37am and he was full term. He was beautiful green eyed baby boy who weighed 7 pounds 1 once. I took my son to his doctor appointments like a normal loving father would and the doctors always told me he was fine. He was moving his arms and legs like a normal baby his age.
The morning of September 22, 2008 changed my life forever. I was woken up around 11:00am and was told something was wrong with my son by my now ex wife. I went into his room and found him laying on his back with no life in his eyes and his skin was pale. I called 911 and started CPR on him. (I've been in the fire service for 16 years and have done CPR many times). As I gave him the first breath I saw his chest rise so I knew the air went in. I continued CPR until the ambulance got there and then the quickly took him out and continued where I left off.
Now from this day, the story takes a turn that not only turned my world upside down but it tore through my entire family. After I went to the hospital to see if my son made it, I found out that he didn't. So, after holding my son for the final time, I went home. I found the police and child services at my house. My oldest son (who was 15 months at the time) needed a different pair of pants so I went and got them. I come downstairs to find out my oldest son was being placed with my parents for grieving as I was told. So, in one morning, my baby passes away and my other son is taken out of my house too.
Not having either of my kids at home was ripping me apart to the point that I didn't want to be in my home. After a month went by my oldest son was finally returned to me. Finally something that felt normal was returning in my life. My son was only home for about 2 weeks when I get a call from child services saying they needed to talk to me. They came to my house along with the city police and said they found fractures on the x ray of my sons ribs and head. This absolutely blew my mind because I couldn't think of a way he could have got them.
My oldest son was taken back out of my house and placed into foster care. I also found out that my now ex wife was pregnant with my third child. Now with my oldest son in foster care, it took almost 2 months before I was allowed to see him. Finally it was set up and I did get to see him. I was on a schedule that I only got 90 minutes every two weeks to see him and it was only for one day. After 8 months of investigations and heart break, I found out, my now ex wife, confessed to causing the fractures that took my sons life. She confessed to hitting him numerous times in the head with a crib railing because he was crying. June 3, 2009 was the day she finally confessed. Now you would think since the killer confessed I would get my son back. No, not the case.
I was told I had to do trauma therapy because I was too angry that my son was murdered by my ex wife. Of course I was angry. I missed out on so many milestones with my kids because of her and everyone never believed me when I said it wasn't me. I lost time with my kids, friends, a job, and so many tears. My third son was born June 13, 2009 and I got a total of one half hour with him in the hospital and then I was made to leave. All together, I lost a year and a half of my oldest sons life and I lost the first nine months of my third sons life because of her.
The devastation I went through is unmatched to anything I ever went through in my life. I now have both my sons home and I now have a daughter with my current fiancee. I'm not going to lie, it's still very hard to look at pictures and not cry. I still cry to this day and the pain is still there. I still have a hard time talking about the entire story without stopping multiple times because I can't fight back the tears. Over time it has got a little bit easier to talk about but the pain, the scar, and the memories will last forever. If I learned anything it was never take your kids for granted, kiss them nightly, and make sure they no you love them. They could be gone in the blink of an eye.